Here I am again looking at the happy around me. I feel true happiness for the happiness in others. I feel grateful, inspired even in their accomplishments. I am always left with an after taste of 'what in the world happened to me?'. Here I am almost 40 with not a thing on my list checked off. Amazing. I'm sure others around me have lists and I'm equally sure that they have things checked off. I'm also sure that they don't have a deep relationship with God or serve as hard as I do or study as much. Then how in the world and why, just why are they so far down on their list and mine looks like a museum piece?
So I fight against the feeling and continue to look at myself for where I'm going wrong, how I'm displeasing to God. As I type I realize that perhaps this is another exercise in impatience. Perhaps my looking to myself and working on myself is me not trusting God? I don't know, I seem to 2nd guess myself over and over, ending up right back where I started. So I search and search for the time in my life where I was fully content and serving. I haven't found it yet, but I'm in the game.
~Much Love
