Dissappointments

Sometimes I wonder about my life.  I lead a small life.  Nothing I do matters beyond my kids and I don't feel I make very much of a difference in the world.  Not that I feel everyone else does, but only that I should.  You've heard of rose colored glasses.  I wonder if i have book colored glasses.  Is my vision colored by what I've read?  Or should I be the one doing the writing?  In my case I feel that knowledge is a crippling thing.  I know all there is to see and do out in the world I want to do it all.  I sometimes feel suffocated because I have done nothing, seen nothing and gone nowhere.  As if I'm drowning in a sea of impossible hopes and dreams.  I choke on the tears of my wasted years and the little time I have left to fulfill my dreams.  All the while wanting to show my kids the things I want to see.  Its a disappointing life really.  I'm disappointed. In my dreams, in my execution of them, in my imagination.  I'm a disappointment to myself.  I think I've had too much down time.  When you are running all day you hardly have time for such musings.  However, I've had plenty of time to just sit since I've been ill.  Idle hands really are a devil's workshop. 

Chin up me!

WHEN WHEN WHEN?!

Have you ever become impatient?  Not like pumping your brakes at a red light or checking the back of a puzzle book for the answers.  Who does those anymore anyway?  Well...besides me.  But impatience with a flow of life that you truthfully, in a wise world have no control over.  When what you are rushing is better off being left up to someone who knows what they are doing.  Despite all of that knowledge, you are still impatient.  The proving ground, the growing area, the fire, is more painful or longer lasting than you really want to stand.  You know you can make your own way, but you also know that you will jack it up so terribly that you will be sorry and on your knees begging for forgiveness.  Does any of this make you more patient?  Only temporarily. 

So I know it all seems like I'm headed toward a big reveal.  I'm not.  I just wanted to blow off a little steam, drain the abscess to relieve the tension...I know, Its a buzz kill but oh I feel so much better!