Sometimes my life is very hard.  If I ever stop I'm almost certain I can't get it started again, so I press on.  Even when I don't feel like it or when I don't think i'm going to make a difference or even if I don't think I'm going it right, I have to keep moving.  There are people and things more important than me that are counting on me to at least try.  To make a way.  To lead, to guide.  To provide direction.  I'm so outside of myself that I can only look to hills; walking blindly toward His voice, hearing only Him "you can do it, go, go, go, just do it, you can do it, go, go, go" my biggest fan is my savior.  He knows what I sometimes struggle with believing -- Its Him doing it all through me and I'm nothing unless its through Him.

I lead a lonely life sometimes. I'm not supposed to say this.  I'm supposed to press on and work for the Lord and never pay attention to the fact that I feel small and alone some days

I rode the bus today with a lady who was quite happy in her singleness.  She said all of the words I've said before.  She had all the thoughts I've had before.  Yet somehow I've stopped believing it.  Scary thought.  I need to feel the way I've believed all of these years.  I can't afford to feel any different. 

Dissappointments

Sometimes I wonder about my life.  I lead a small life.  Nothing I do matters beyond my kids and I don't feel I make very much of a difference in the world.  Not that I feel everyone else does, but only that I should.  You've heard of rose colored glasses.  I wonder if i have book colored glasses.  Is my vision colored by what I've read?  Or should I be the one doing the writing?  In my case I feel that knowledge is a crippling thing.  I know all there is to see and do out in the world I want to do it all.  I sometimes feel suffocated because I have done nothing, seen nothing and gone nowhere.  As if I'm drowning in a sea of impossible hopes and dreams.  I choke on the tears of my wasted years and the little time I have left to fulfill my dreams.  All the while wanting to show my kids the things I want to see.  Its a disappointing life really.  I'm disappointed. In my dreams, in my execution of them, in my imagination.  I'm a disappointment to myself.  I think I've had too much down time.  When you are running all day you hardly have time for such musings.  However, I've had plenty of time to just sit since I've been ill.  Idle hands really are a devil's workshop. 

Chin up me!

WHEN WHEN WHEN?!

Have you ever become impatient?  Not like pumping your brakes at a red light or checking the back of a puzzle book for the answers.  Who does those anymore anyway?  Well...besides me.  But impatience with a flow of life that you truthfully, in a wise world have no control over.  When what you are rushing is better off being left up to someone who knows what they are doing.  Despite all of that knowledge, you are still impatient.  The proving ground, the growing area, the fire, is more painful or longer lasting than you really want to stand.  You know you can make your own way, but you also know that you will jack it up so terribly that you will be sorry and on your knees begging for forgiveness.  Does any of this make you more patient?  Only temporarily. 

So I know it all seems like I'm headed toward a big reveal.  I'm not.  I just wanted to blow off a little steam, drain the abscess to relieve the tension...I know, Its a buzz kill but oh I feel so much better!

Voicing the Inner Thoughts...SSHHH!

Here I am again looking at the happy around me.  I feel true happiness for the happiness in others.  I feel grateful, inspired even in their accomplishments.  I am always left with an after taste of 'what in the world happened to me?'.  Here I am almost 40 with not a thing on my list checked off.  Amazing.  I'm sure others around me have lists and I'm equally sure that they have things checked off.  I'm also sure that they don't have a deep relationship with God or serve as hard as I do or study as much.  Then how in the world and why, just why are they so far down on their list and mine looks like a museum piece?

So I fight against the feeling and continue to look at myself for where I'm going wrong, how I'm displeasing to God.  As I type I realize that perhaps this is another exercise in impatience.  Perhaps my looking to myself and working on myself is me not trusting God?  I don't know, I seem to 2nd guess myself over and over, ending up right back where I started.  So I search and search for the time in my life where I was fully content and serving. I haven't found it yet, but I'm in the game. 

~Much Love

Pig Anyone?

While on my way to dinner I had an epiphany. An outer body experience (which, I guess is not that unusual for me).  I was doing what I have always loved to do.  Walking on a nice day to a nice place to eat.  Thinking and making plans about a life I foresee.  I buy an house in my mind, imagine the rooms and the boys filling it.  I see a dog and a fish, lived on couches and sweet smells coming from the kitchen.  I just see a life, our life and I smile as I walk.  Happy for the future.  Happy about who we will eventually be. 

This day was different.  I sat in a restaurant with a good book.  It was good from the first page.  I had an awesome meal.  The ambiance was very nice and if I peaked a little I could even see them preparing my meal.  Nice.  Perfect.  Except this time it wasn't.  I left feeling empty.  I didn't have that happy-this-is-me-time that I usually relish.  I was not loving life and I was not grateful for the time and I was not happy.  This was very troubling to me.  I usually thoroughly enjoy my dinners.  What was different? Why was I disappointed? 

It made me think about everything I thought I loved to do and everything I thought I would be doing IF I was in the midst of singleness, no responsibilities.  What is really important to me?  What do I really like?  What am I supposed to be doing with my big ole empty life one day?  My pen to paper plan is now shot! 

AGAIN!

Everything I shouldn't say:  So, I'm not a chef.  OK, got that, but I love to cook and talk about food.  Working towards food critic.  Now, I'm not enjoying the dining experience?  What the what!!!???? Now what?  I love being alone.  OK, I have a ton of kids and alone is rare.  Ok, got that, but I get a few nights every other weekend.  Now I'm not even enjoying that??!!  What is really going on God?  Why are my usualy joys no long a joy?  Why are my usualy places of comfort no longer comfortable? 

So, I'm throwing all of my notes out of the window.  I don't know who I am, where I'm going or how to get there!!  God take the wheel, hold my hand and decide the route!