Here I am again looking at the happy around me. I feel true happiness for the happiness in others. I feel grateful, inspired even in their accomplishments. I am always left with an after taste of 'what in the world happened to me?'. Here I am almost 40 with not a thing on my list checked off. Amazing. I'm sure others around me have lists and I'm equally sure that they have things checked off. I'm also sure that they don't have a deep relationship with God or serve as hard as I do or study as much. Then how in the world and why, just why are they so far down on their list and mine looks like a museum piece?
So I fight against the feeling and continue to look at myself for where I'm going wrong, how I'm displeasing to God. As I type I realize that perhaps this is another exercise in impatience. Perhaps my looking to myself and working on myself is me not trusting God? I don't know, I seem to 2nd guess myself over and over, ending up right back where I started. So I search and search for the time in my life where I was fully content and serving. I haven't found it yet, but I'm in the game.
~Much Love
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Pig Anyone?
While on my way to dinner I had an epiphany. An outer body experience (which, I guess is not that unusual for me). I was doing what I have always loved to do. Walking on a nice day to a nice place to eat. Thinking and making plans about a life I foresee. I buy an house in my mind, imagine the rooms and the boys filling it. I see a dog and a fish, lived on couches and sweet smells coming from the kitchen. I just see a life, our life and I smile as I walk. Happy for the future. Happy about who we will eventually be.
This day was different. I sat in a restaurant with a good book. It was good from the first page. I had an awesome meal. The ambiance was very nice and if I peaked a little I could even see them preparing my meal. Nice. Perfect. Except this time it wasn't. I left feeling empty. I didn't have that happy-this-is-me-time that I usually relish. I was not loving life and I was not grateful for the time and I was not happy. This was very troubling to me. I usually thoroughly enjoy my dinners. What was different? Why was I disappointed?
It made me think about everything I thought I loved to do and everything I thought I would be doing IF I was in the midst of singleness, no responsibilities. What is really important to me? What do I really like? What am I supposed to be doing with my big ole empty life one day? My pen to paper plan is now shot!
AGAIN!
Everything I shouldn't say: So, I'm not a chef. OK, got that, but I love to cook and talk about food. Working towards food critic. Now, I'm not enjoying the dining experience? What the what!!!???? Now what? I love being alone. OK, I have a ton of kids and alone is rare. Ok, got that, but I get a few nights every other weekend. Now I'm not even enjoying that??!! What is really going on God? Why are my usualy joys no long a joy? Why are my usualy places of comfort no longer comfortable?
So, I'm throwing all of my notes out of the window. I don't know who I am, where I'm going or how to get there!! God take the wheel, hold my hand and decide the route!
This day was different. I sat in a restaurant with a good book. It was good from the first page. I had an awesome meal. The ambiance was very nice and if I peaked a little I could even see them preparing my meal. Nice. Perfect. Except this time it wasn't. I left feeling empty. I didn't have that happy-this-is-me-time that I usually relish. I was not loving life and I was not grateful for the time and I was not happy. This was very troubling to me. I usually thoroughly enjoy my dinners. What was different? Why was I disappointed?
It made me think about everything I thought I loved to do and everything I thought I would be doing IF I was in the midst of singleness, no responsibilities. What is really important to me? What do I really like? What am I supposed to be doing with my big ole empty life one day? My pen to paper plan is now shot!
AGAIN!
Everything I shouldn't say: So, I'm not a chef. OK, got that, but I love to cook and talk about food. Working towards food critic. Now, I'm not enjoying the dining experience? What the what!!!???? Now what? I love being alone. OK, I have a ton of kids and alone is rare. Ok, got that, but I get a few nights every other weekend. Now I'm not even enjoying that??!! What is really going on God? Why are my usualy joys no long a joy? Why are my usualy places of comfort no longer comfortable?
So, I'm throwing all of my notes out of the window. I don't know who I am, where I'm going or how to get there!! God take the wheel, hold my hand and decide the route!
Mise en Place (Everything in It's Place)
When I cook, I gather all of my ingredients and I read through my recipe or my game plan all before I pick up a knife. I'm prepared. I have an expected outcome. I have high hopes about its taste, its appearance, its smell.
Fast forward to my life and I'm not quite that prepared, organized or tasty for that matter. Some days it stinks too. I pretty much put out fires in my life all the while struggling to become more "mise-en-place-like". It goes without saying, but I'll say anyway, that I'm the long lost sister of that chicken with no head in a long distance marathon!
So here is what I shouldn't say: I don't want to cook every night. I don't want to make sure the boys have veggies every night. I want to just have candy for dinner sometimes and I want to go home and go straight to bed without washing dishes. There I said it! I meant it!
While fully immersed in motherhood and completely in love with my boys and while I wouldn't change them or their existence for anything in the world. I long for my singleness life. I long for naked days at home and for a hot bowl of pasta and sauce with no meat. I long for a late night walk instead of late night cover checks.
I enjoy them. I'd rather be with them than anyone else in the whole world, but being a mother is hard. Harder than I want to have to do. Partly because I'm doing it alone, all the while trying to figure out ME. I miss them when they are gone and I plan to surprise them and make them smile whenever we are apart. No one makes me smile more or laugh more than them. They are the funnest and smartest people I know. I'm blessed to be their mama. I love them more than me.
So, I look forward to my one day. When after I've done my best to allow them to be who God wants, when after I've done my best to give them room to grow into who they should be I'll be me. Whoever she or me is. After I've loved them to bursting and given them enough of me to pass along to theirs, I'll be me, whoever she or me is. After I've fed them all I know and all I can cook and all I can make or create, I'll be me again. Whoever me or she is.
She is a woman who loves what she loves and exists where she is. Who changes the atmosphere where ever she goes. She is strong and happy and full of joy and shines God's light with each step and word. She knows who she is and walks it everyday of her life.
She has not arrived yet. So I'll say what I shouldn't say...how can I do all that and be all that they need when I have no idea who I am?
Fast forward to my life and I'm not quite that prepared, organized or tasty for that matter. Some days it stinks too. I pretty much put out fires in my life all the while struggling to become more "mise-en-place-like". It goes without saying, but I'll say anyway, that I'm the long lost sister of that chicken with no head in a long distance marathon!
So here is what I shouldn't say: I don't want to cook every night. I don't want to make sure the boys have veggies every night. I want to just have candy for dinner sometimes and I want to go home and go straight to bed without washing dishes. There I said it! I meant it!
While fully immersed in motherhood and completely in love with my boys and while I wouldn't change them or their existence for anything in the world. I long for my singleness life. I long for naked days at home and for a hot bowl of pasta and sauce with no meat. I long for a late night walk instead of late night cover checks.
I enjoy them. I'd rather be with them than anyone else in the whole world, but being a mother is hard. Harder than I want to have to do. Partly because I'm doing it alone, all the while trying to figure out ME. I miss them when they are gone and I plan to surprise them and make them smile whenever we are apart. No one makes me smile more or laugh more than them. They are the funnest and smartest people I know. I'm blessed to be their mama. I love them more than me.
So, I look forward to my one day. When after I've done my best to allow them to be who God wants, when after I've done my best to give them room to grow into who they should be I'll be me. Whoever she or me is. After I've loved them to bursting and given them enough of me to pass along to theirs, I'll be me, whoever she or me is. After I've fed them all I know and all I can cook and all I can make or create, I'll be me again. Whoever me or she is.
She is a woman who loves what she loves and exists where she is. Who changes the atmosphere where ever she goes. She is strong and happy and full of joy and shines God's light with each step and word. She knows who she is and walks it everyday of her life.
She has not arrived yet. So I'll say what I shouldn't say...how can I do all that and be all that they need when I have no idea who I am?
Monday, August 27, 2012
Ready, Set...
I am in a place in my life that I have no desire to be reliant on others. Restrained by things. Bound by schedules. I can see options unfolding but they seem so far away. Patience isn't my strong suit. I'm a pen to paper with a plan kind of gal and this is not in the plan. So, I guess I'm being grown in that area as well. Not thrilled about that really. However, there must be a reason. And as much as I want the reason to be about me, I know that it is probably about someone else. Not that I have it all sewn up, but that my go-thru is for someone else's breakthrough. I'm sure there are lessons and clarity in store for me, but I'm selfish in that if I am going to be uncomfortable, it should be worthwhile for me. Having said that, I know its not always true. **sigh**
If nothing else, I truly believe in Romans 8:28 and I know that all things do work together for the good of us. So standing, holding on, pressing is what a General does and what I shall do.
~much love
If nothing else, I truly believe in Romans 8:28 and I know that all things do work together for the good of us. So standing, holding on, pressing is what a General does and what I shall do.
~much love
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