Pig Anyone?

While on my way to dinner I had an epiphany. An outer body experience (which, I guess is not that unusual for me).  I was doing what I have always loved to do.  Walking on a nice day to a nice place to eat.  Thinking and making plans about a life I foresee.  I buy an house in my mind, imagine the rooms and the boys filling it.  I see a dog and a fish, lived on couches and sweet smells coming from the kitchen.  I just see a life, our life and I smile as I walk.  Happy for the future.  Happy about who we will eventually be. 

This day was different.  I sat in a restaurant with a good book.  It was good from the first page.  I had an awesome meal.  The ambiance was very nice and if I peaked a little I could even see them preparing my meal.  Nice.  Perfect.  Except this time it wasn't.  I left feeling empty.  I didn't have that happy-this-is-me-time that I usually relish.  I was not loving life and I was not grateful for the time and I was not happy.  This was very troubling to me.  I usually thoroughly enjoy my dinners.  What was different? Why was I disappointed? 

It made me think about everything I thought I loved to do and everything I thought I would be doing IF I was in the midst of singleness, no responsibilities.  What is really important to me?  What do I really like?  What am I supposed to be doing with my big ole empty life one day?  My pen to paper plan is now shot! 

AGAIN!

Everything I shouldn't say:  So, I'm not a chef.  OK, got that, but I love to cook and talk about food.  Working towards food critic.  Now, I'm not enjoying the dining experience?  What the what!!!???? Now what?  I love being alone.  OK, I have a ton of kids and alone is rare.  Ok, got that, but I get a few nights every other weekend.  Now I'm not even enjoying that??!!  What is really going on God?  Why are my usualy joys no long a joy?  Why are my usualy places of comfort no longer comfortable? 

So, I'm throwing all of my notes out of the window.  I don't know who I am, where I'm going or how to get there!!  God take the wheel, hold my hand and decide the route!