When I cook, I gather all of my ingredients and I read through my recipe or my game plan all before I pick up a knife. I'm prepared. I have an expected outcome. I have high hopes about its taste, its appearance, its smell.
Fast forward to my life and I'm not quite that prepared, organized or tasty for that matter. Some days it stinks too. I pretty much put out fires in my life all the while struggling to become more "mise-en-place-like". It goes without saying, but I'll say anyway, that I'm the long lost sister of that chicken with no head in a long distance marathon!
So here is what I shouldn't say: I don't want to cook every night. I don't want to make sure the boys have veggies every night. I want to just have candy for dinner sometimes and I want to go home and go straight to bed without washing dishes. There I said it! I meant it!
While fully immersed in motherhood and completely in love with my boys and while I wouldn't change them or their existence for anything in the world. I long for my singleness life. I long for naked days at home and for a hot bowl of pasta and sauce with no meat. I long for a late night walk instead of late night cover checks.
I enjoy them. I'd rather be with them than anyone else in the whole world, but being a mother is hard. Harder than I want to have to do. Partly because I'm doing it alone, all the while trying to figure out ME. I miss them when they are gone and I plan to surprise them and make them smile whenever we are apart. No one makes me smile more or laugh more than them. They are the funnest and smartest people I know. I'm blessed to be their mama. I love them more than me.
So, I look forward to my one day. When after I've done my best to allow them to be who God wants, when after I've done my best to give them room to grow into who they should be I'll be me. Whoever she or me is. After I've loved them to bursting and given them enough of me to pass along to theirs, I'll be me, whoever she or me is. After I've fed them all I know and all I can cook and all I can make or create, I'll be me again. Whoever me or she is.
She is a woman who loves what she loves and exists where she is. Who changes the atmosphere where ever she goes. She is strong and happy and full of joy and shines God's light with each step and word. She knows who she is and walks it everyday of her life.
She has not arrived yet. So I'll say what I shouldn't say...how can I do all that and be all that they need when I have no idea who I am?
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